The Joint Mission
by hillstar
Summary: When Emperor Palpatine assigns Mara Jade and Darth Vader to a joint mission, will they be able to complete their objectives without killing each other first? Humor/Adventure.


Mara Jade was furious about her latest assignment. Palpatine had told her that he wanted her to travel to the planet of Byblos to infiltrate and destroy a rebel facility with Darth Vader.

Usually, Mara looked forward to missions into deep space. On these missions, she could catch a break all the backbiting and intrigue of the Emperor's court and from the rigors her training. These missions were her only chance for something resembling solitude.

Mara liked to think of the _Malevolence_ as her ship, even though technically it belonged to Palpatine. Now, not only was the Sith Lord Darth Vader going to be fouling up the _Malevolence_ with his unsavory force-signature but she was also going to have to spend the entire trip dealing with his unpredictable mood swings.

As Darth Vader climbed on board, she gave him a snarling side-eye.

* * *

><p>Darth Vader was equally incensed that Palpatine had given him this mission. He couldn't believe he had to rely on the help of the stuck-up, arrogant Emperor's Hand! If there was one being in the universe he couldn't stand (apart from all the other beings in the universe), it was the Emperor's insufferable Hand.<p>

Paranoid thoughts nipped at Darth Vader. Did this excursion mean that the Emperor no longer trusted him? Was it possible that Mara Jade was preferred in some way? Of course, she would never be as strong as he, The Chosen One, in the Force. Surely there was nothing that they could do together that he couldn't get done twice as fast working alone.

He raised his chin stiffly as he settled himself into the driver's seat

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, back in the Imperial Palace, the Emperor was feeling quite pleased with himself. He was certain that if his Sith apprentice and his Hand were stuck together for a prolonged period of time in the deeps of space they would drive each other mad. In fact, he had designed their mission to be extra difficult just to enhance the stress they would feel around each other.<p>

Palpatine had spent years cultivating the animosity between Darth Vader and his Hand. He knew that as long as they focused on their hatred on each other, he would be the one holding the reigns, delaying the time when either apprentice would usurp their Sith Master. And what better way to increase that hatred than through forcing them to endure a long trip together in an enclosed vessel?

* * *

><p>Mara Jade and Darth Vader had only been travelling for a few hours when they got lost in a territory outside the Delle system. Darth Vader insisted that they turn around, but Mara disagreed.<p>

"We just need to keep going! I'm certain this is the right way." Mara considered her sense of direction is perfect, as it had been honed from years of lessons in navigation.

"I believe we took a wrong turn three hundred megalights ago."

"The Emperor's Hand never takes a wrong turn."

"I don't know about the Emperor's Hand, but you have led us in the wrong direction, Mara Jade."

"And just what do you suggest we do, Lord Vader?" There was deep venom in her voice due to her annoyance that he had used her real name instead of her formal title.

Without responding to her question, Lord Vader began to type new coordinates into the ship's navigational systems. The _Malevolence _slowly turned around until it pointed in the exact opposite direction as the one it had been going.

"Whatever you do, you better not screw up my mission, Vader. I have a duty to the Emperor to never fail."

"I won't. Or did you forget that_ I_ was the one in charge here?"

"What's the matter? Afraid I'll take your position at Palpatine's side?"

"You'll never take my place! No matter how hard you try, your abilities in the Force will always be meager at best."

"Well my Force abilities are still better than _your_ stealth. And I've seen your dance moves too. They are far from masterful."

"I don't dance, Mara Jade!

Leaning back into the co-pilot seat, Mara Jade honored the ship's pilot with another allusive side-eye. "If you insist, Lord Vader…"

* * *

><p>Later than evening, the gyrostabilizer broke down, and the two of them found the contents of the ship sliding everywhere as the ship's artificial gravity stopped functioning.<p>

Darth Vader reached for the Force to try to stay upright. He clawed his way along the ship until he reached the circuitry that contained the gyrostabilizer. Mara Jade, floating alongside, found her body knocking into his suit as she tried to reach the same equipment.

"Let me help…I know how to make such basic repairs…"

"I can fix it!"

""I didn't say that you couldn't…"

"I said. I can…**fix**…it…" The cloud of dark energy settling around him warned Mara Jade against pushing any further.

Her body spinning upside-down as her carefully packed supplies floated to the roof of the ship, Mara tried to keep herself from snapping at Vader. When the gyrostabilizer was repaired (two hours later- it would have been a lot sooner if Vader had just let her _help_, Mara thought to herself), they stumbled to the floor as the anti-gravity snapped back on.

* * *

><p>After cleaning up the ship and collecting their gear, they continued along to a neighboring galaxy outside of the Byblos System.<p>

An imperial port authority caught the _Malevolence _at the checkpoint between galaxies. "I need to check the registration on your spacecraft," the nasal-voiced port authority said through the com-system of his cruiser.

"How DARE you question ME?" Vader rasped.

Vader clutched his hand and the Force simmered to life as the port authority began choking.

Mara Jade glared. "Lord Vader, we are undercover! We can't just go around choking people with the force!"

Vader snarled and released his hand.

"The _Malevolence _is a reconnaissance vessel. Palpatine does not want it linked back to the Sith! You have to calm down if we are to have any hope of completing our objectives."

"And how am I supposed to do that?"

"I don't know, think of something peaceful…"

Something PEACEFUL Mara Jade?! You sound like one of those prissy traitors from the Jedi Order!"

"Did you just compare me to a _Jedi_?" Mara scowled.

"You're just like a Jedi! You're arrogant, uptight, and all you ever talk about is duty. Don't you care about anything besides your precious mission?"

"Like what, Lord Vader?"

"I don't know… Unlimited power? The destruction of all who have wronged you? The Dark Side? Having _some _sort of social life outside of following Palpatine?"

Mara sunk into her seat silently, knowing he could feel her cold disdain through the Force.

_I don't need a social life. Duty is all that matters to the Emperor's Hand!_

Now it was his turn to a give her a side-eyed expression, which she couldn't see through his mask but could heavily sense nonetheless.

* * *

><p>With the ship on automatic pilot, and the two of them slumped over in their seats, Mara tried but was unable to get any rest. Mara could no longer stand the incessant sound of Lord Vader's respirator. It was more obnoxious than any snoring sound she had ever heard.<p>

"Could you _please_ breathe a little quieter? I'm trying to sleep."

The Sith Lord turned his head towards her and made a sound registering as something between a regular mask-breathing sound and a growl.

She took out a remote control to switch on the ship's screen. A holographic image appeared, a looping video of sand sweeping over a wide desert. The video was one she often used to soothe herself to sleep on long missions.

With this image in the background now, Mara Jade began to drift into a napping state.

"Turn that off!" Vader said, "I _hate_ the sand…"

"Really? I find it relaxing," Mara replied.

Vader used the force to take the remote out of her grip and changed the hologram to a new image: A roaring ocean full of swirling waves.

_UGH, the ocean… _Mara Jade thought to herself. She struggled to sleep as the sound of holographic waves combined with Darth Vader's breathing noises to produce a violent gurgling.

* * *

><p>Mara Jade left for her private chambers in the back room of the craft. She hoped to get a moment alone to work off some of her emotions by practicing her lightsaber sequences.<p>

Mara had just begun to really get into her sequences, focusing in her imagination on one target in particular she would especially like to strike down, when she heard the all-too-familiar breathing noise coming up from behind.

"Ha! Is that supposed to be a Butterfly Kata?" Vader strode into the chambers with hands on his hips. "It looks more like a dead moth!"

"Go away, Vader. Can't you see I'm trying to practice…"

"You can't just _try_, Mara Jade! Didn't Sidious teaching you _anything_?"

"He taught me how to use the irritation I feel towards _you_ to make myself stronger!" Mara sliced through the air in a broad sweep.

"Considering that I am the strongest one in the Force here, perhaps it is _you_ who is most infuriating!"

Vader watched smugly as Mara Jade struggled to retain her composure enough to continue the sequence. He couldn't believe her terrible form. It was so sloppy, so pathetic!

"Oh kriff it, let me show you how that sequence is _actually_ done…"

Vader proceeded to offer a series of strongly worded corrections, verbally cutting down everything she had attempted. Then he raced through the sequence himself, investing every movement with flawless precision.

"Consider that a lesson, Mara Jade!"

He strode out of the chambers and let its doors slide behind him.

* * *

><p>After a several more malfunctions and disputed navigational choices, the <em>Malevolence<em> finally arrived at Byblos. Their landing was a bumpy one, as the planet was overcrowded with jutting, spired towers which Vader piloted the ship around in clunky, diagonal swerves. Finally, they arrived in the alley nearest the building that Palpatine had indicated hid the rebel facility.

This facility contained a super-computer that housed the contact information and locations of members of the Rebel Alliance as well as much of the written transmission of Imperial secrets leaked from this part of the galaxy.

Palpatine had told Mara Jade and Darth Vader that it was the mission of Mara to sneak into the facility and see if she could retrieve the information from the super-computer. However, whether or not she succeeded in retrieving the information, it would then be up to Vader to use the force to destroy the facility completely. Palpatine's priority was the swift destruction of the base, but he wanted to see whether his Hand could retrieve the information first. The fact that these objectives put his two apprentices directly at odds with each other was not lost on the Emperor.

Mara Jade changed into a gray jumpsuit to begin her task. While Vader remained in the _Malevolence_, she snuck around the back of the facility, which from the outside appeared just like any of the imposing technologically advanced towers of the planet.

She crawled through up the side of the building, and then squeezed through the duct systems. When she reached the room where Palpatine had indicated the storage units were likely to be contained, she dropped quietly down through the ceiling.

Mara Jade found herself in a room full of computerized units. However, the main super-computer was not in the room, but concealed behind a giant metallic door. She tried using the various tools in her utility pouch to pry open the locking system of this door, using her lightsaber to slice open through the hard metal, and pushing on the door with the Force. When she sensed the presence of an approaching guard, she had to abandon her efforts and sneak back to the ship.

Vader was smugly waiting for her in the _Malevolence_. He noticed her crestfallen expression and smirked.

Mara hissed. "Kriff it, I need more time to collect the data!"

"Well, since you have failed in your objectives, it seems that I will have to begin the destruction of the facility."

"Not yet! The Emperor's Hand _never_ fails."

"You're just a person, Mara Jade."

"And what are you, some kind of godlike Super Sith?"

"Well, yeah…I am!"

She looked him over with her hands on her hips. "You know what, Vader, I think there may be a way for us to get that information _and _destroy the base. However, it might rely on us working together."

"But that would mean bending the protocol we were given."

"Do you want to follow useless protocol, or do you want to actually succeed?" Mara asked, fierceness burning in her eyes.

She felt his ripple of his amusement in the force.

"Whatever you say, _Snarks_…"

"Snarks?"

He turned surreptitiously towards the ship's darkened window. "It's a nickname…"

* * *

><p>Mara Jade explained her plan to Vader briefly.<p>

"In order to get to the super-computer, we're going to have to get into the facility together. We're not both going to be able to fit in the air duct system, so we'll have to walk into the facility directly disguised as rebels."

"But how am I supposed to do that? You said it yourself…I'm not exactly stealthy!"

Mara paused for a moment to consider this. It would be nearly impossible to make Vader blend in as another rebel but perhaps she could use his unusual appearance as an advantage.

"What if you were in disguise as a droid?"

"A droid?"

"Well you already kind of look kind of like a droid. We can say you're the latest IG Security Droid that hasn't come out on the market yet yet. I'm sure with a little silver spray-paint no one will be able to tell the difference. There are a lot of weirder high-tech things that people see on this planet."

"Ooo, but I want to be a B2 Unit!"

"Well then you can help me with the disguise."

Taking out the disguise box she always kept in her vessel, she found some spray-paint and got to work coating his suit in shiny silver. She didn't know that much about what droid parts looked like, so he helped by drawing designs over his suit with colored pens. It was, she had to admit to herself, not the most natural-looking disguise she had ever created, and she only hoped that Vader could pull off the acting required to make the guards believe he was a droid rather than a Sith lord.

For her own disguise, she put on a blonde wig and wore a t-shirt with the rebel logo half-concealed under a leather jacket.

"My alias will be 'Atara Jade'."

"Atara _Jade_? Who uses their own last name when going undercover?"

"But that's the point, Vader. It's so obvious they'll never trace it back to me."

_"Wow, that's brilliant!" _he thought to himself, not knowing she could overhear this complimentary thought in the Force.

* * *

><p>Mara and Vader both approached the guard standing at the front of rebel facility. He graced them with a jeer while lifting his blaster in their direction.<p>

Mara Jade calmly addressed him, as if the blaster were not pointed at her face. "Excuse me, sir, may I speak with you for a moment? I am Atara Jade. And this is my droid, the latest B2 unit. Perhaps you were told to be expecting us."

Vader performed a series of awkward, angular motions with his arms. "Hell-o. I. Am. A. Droid."

"Listen, my droid and I have been sent here by Senator Bail Organa to perform an inspection on the Core Computer mainframe. We'll need access to the information storage chamber."

"Why is your droid making such a funny sound?"

Mara realized the guard was referring to Vader's breathing. "Um… well that's because his power generator is broken. He just needs a bit of a tune-up."

"Hmm…Atara Jade, is it? Tell me something about yourself, Jade. What made you want to join the Alliance?"

"Um, well the main one is that my homeworld is in Imperial controlled-territory. Lately, I've been getting tired of having the Empire always breathing down my neck and I've really wanted to do something about it."

Mara gestured towards Vader. "My droid here feels the same. It's that right?"

"Beep beep beep beep. You. Can. Trust. Us." said Vader, making another series of 'droid arm' motions while giving the guard the force suggestion.

"Well, it seems like I can trust you…" said the guard, still eying them a bit suspiciously, said as he escorted them into the inner chambers.

Mara and Vader found themselves in the computer storage room to which Mara had first crawled. They waited until the guard had wandered out of earshot and then Mara pointed at the metal door blocking the Super Computer.

"I need you here because I need your superior Force abilities to push through that door."

Vader smiled as he reached out for the Force. The door began to dent but did not give away entirely.

"So you're finally admitting that my abilities _are_ superior?"

She rolled her eyes. "Just push the door open, Vader."

"Well, are you going help me?"

"I am helping! I'm using the Force!"

"You have to use your anger!"

"_I am using my anger!" _

"Use your anger!"

"I _am!_"

The dented door busted open with a bang. Mara quickly went to the computer, unlocked its passcodes, and downloaded its contents onto a small disc.

They heard the guard returning. "Hey! What are you doing?"

Without looking behind her, Mara Jade threw the disc to Vader, who caught it in his gloved hand. Then she knocked out the guard with a perfect Butterfly Kata.

They ran all the way back to the _Malevolence_, leaving nothing behind them but a trail of silvery spray paint_._

* * *

><p>The rebel facility blazed beneath them, burning from the flares of the <em>Malevolenc<em>e's turbo-blasters as the ship lifted away from the planet.

"We did it, Snarks!" said Darth Vader.

"I can't believe you're still calling me 'Snarks'," said Mara Jade.

"Well…" said Vader, "Aren't you going to give me a nickname too?"

"I don't know. I guess you could be Helmet Head…"

"Helmet Head?! Can't I be something cool like, um, Darth Dude…or The Sith Without Remorse?"

"No, I think we should go with Helmet Head."

"You know what, Snarks?" he said, as they entered hyperspace, "I kind of like it."

* * *

><p>Emperor Palpatine arrived as soon as the <em>Malevolence <em>landed in Coruscant. Out of the ship swaggered Darth Vader with Mara Jade close behind him.

Much to Palpatine's dismay, he did not feel as though they were on the brink of force-choking each other.

Instead, he felt a vibe from the two of them that he had not expected at all. The feelings between them were determined, confident, and even mischievous. It was, he realized to his great horror, some kind of bizarre master-padawan thing or even a surrogate father-daughter vibe.

He knew he would have to prevent the bond from growing stronger before the Rule of Two made him into the unfortunate third wheel. Although what in the universe Darth Vader and Mara Jade could have in common in the first place, Sidious had no idea.


End file.
